TWILIGHT: Prologue

Alright, I’ve done it. I’ve downloaded Twilight (I’m not going to PAY for this shit, are you kidding me?). It’s sitting on my hard drive right now, mocking me. Meanwhile, my hard drive is begging me to DELETE, DELETE, WIPE THIS STAIN AND MAKE ME PURE AGAIN OH PLEASE JESUS. Soon enough, my sweet, soon enough.

Since I noticed a lot of people just snark the entirety of this epic shitstain of a series, I decided to focus on primarily why it’s so fucking bad as a film. We all know the plot is as thin as a piece of economy-brand toilet paper and the dialogue consists mainly of “ILU, UR PRETTY” “OMG BUT I’M DANGEROUS” repeated over and over again. Of course I will take the piss out of these elements as much as possible, as well as lol over how awful the special effects are and how no-one in the entire movie can act their way out of a kindergarten production of Cinderalla.

I love crappy movies. I revel in their awfulness and there is nothing quite like mocking and scrutinizing fail, especially when an enormous group of individuals inexplicably adore this fail. The Twilight series is probably the absolute nadir of this decade, the pinnacle of all the crap we’ve had to put up with as of late. It’s kind of like what sequins and Day-Glo and shoulder pads were to the 1980’s.

All on its own, it’s set the women’s movement back a generation or two, turned perfectly sane teenage girls into squealing, obnoxious monsters, ruined Robert Pattinson’s life, convinced readers that raping a thesaurus made for excellent literature, and just generally sucked. It’s manipulative garbage, like Hitler. Maybe Twilight is Mein Kampf reincarnated for the new generation, minus all the racial superiority propaganda and what have you.

I am kidding, of course, but fuck, it’s bad. And the movie’s not any better.

Prepare yourselves, because I, your humble film student, am going to brave the murky, blue-tinted waters of the world of Twilight: The Movie. I may drown, but god help me, I’m not going under without a fight.