TWILIGHT: Part 6

Part 6: ACTION-PACKED EPILOGUE, And Stuff. Also Featured - I Commit Suicide.

Alright, so Bella goes home, and this scene with her and Charlie “arguing” is ridiculous. There’s not a lot of emotion here, it sounds like they’re trying to go with anger and frustration and they just sound mildly irritated, like they were really in the mood for bacon bits on pizza and found out they only have bacon strips.

Besides, what the fuck’s wrong with watching baseball on the flat screen and eating dinner at a diner every night? I personally think baseball is boring as hell, but flat screen TVs are awesome, and didn’t she just go out and play baseball? Is it not fun when OMG BORING NORMAL PPL NOT VAMPIRES are playing it?

I hate her so fucking much. Remind me why she’s the hero?

You know who should have been the hero? Eric. Think about it. A story about a charming, handsome, well-dressed Asian dude whose life takes an interesting turn when he’s forced to deal with a sullen, angsty new kid who can’t stop falling down and is a bitch to everyone she meets except that vomit-faced guy.

Bella drives off, Edward magically appears at her door and insists he drive. Because he’s the MAN, you see. She’s got a posse of good guy vampires watching her back (EVEN UNDEAD CREATURES LOVE HER, SRSLY), and happens to see her old, boring, human friends having fun without her. I can’t read her facial expression, because it looks like all her other facial expressions, but I think it’s a cross between “OMG WELL I HAVE BETTER BUDS NOW, THEY’RE HOTTER AND SHINIER,” and “OMG I AM UPSET THAT MY ADORATION RATING HAS GONE DOWN DUE TO THESE PPL NOT CONTRIBUTING TO IT.”

So the black dude vampire, Laurent, is telling Edward and Bella about how super dangerous Other Dude and That Chick are, Bella looks slightly concerned, Edward looks like he’s thinking about the football game he’s missing on TV right now.

The vampires are all loading up on their baddie hunting gear. This is boring and fraught with tense angst and really should be more like the gun scene in The Matrix.

In her duress, Bella’s voice has gone from nervous stuttering to full-on Tourette’s victim. I can only see it getting worse from here.

I don’t even know what’s going on right now. Alice and Jasper are driving Bella...somewhere, and everyone else is...running? In a forest? After James, or just running in general? They explained everything so fucking fast and haphazardly I couldn’t be bothered to take a moment out of snarking to listen. Alice has a vision and draws where James is going, which is Bella’s old ballet studio for some reason. He follows her smell; does the ballet studio still smell like her years after she left?

Wait, now he’s at her mom’s house? Where is her mom? In Pheonix? How did he get to Pheonix so fast? Oh, so he wants to meet her at her old ballet studio, but really, how fucking arbitrary is that? I’M SO CONFUSED, SOMEONE PLEASE HELP HOLY SHIT.

Now we’re treated to hearing the exact same fucking bullshit Bella was spewing in her narration at the beginning of the movie. Is this supposed to excite me?

Oh, so her mom isn’t in there, it’s just a tape of her mom at one of Bella’s old ballet recitals. How did he even get that? The bullshit is just flying left and right here, isn’t it?

James attempts to make some sort of sex tape of eating Bella, and flings out some shitty acting and filming metaphors, which are ironic considering how fail this movie is.

Of course, Edward shows up! In the nick of time, hurr durr!

Shit’s flying everywhere and wood and glass is breaking and James randomly bites Bella, they fight as she has a seizure on the floor, and aside from that, this whole thing is so poorly choreographed I can’t tell you much more. More shit happens, good vampires show up, Alice breaks his neck and they burn the poor bastard, actually the only awesome four seconds of this entire movie.

You know, Bella is behaving a lot more like she’s being fucked than dying slowly from a vampire bite. Edward has to bite her to suck the venom out, or some shit, which I sort of get but not really (is all vampire blood venomous or just the blood of OMG BAD GUYS?), and she goes CROSSEYED, which is really fucking funny. The screen goes blurry as Bella hallucinates the entire movie all over again. So really, I got to see this shitstorm TWICE, except once in fast motion.

Great, Bella’s survived and wakes up in the hospital. And the excuse they’re using is that she tripped and fell two flights of stairs and through a window?

How could one person possibly be this clumsy? Does she have platypus feet?

When you fall down two flights of stairs and OUT A WINDOW for no apparent reason, it crosses the boundary between “clumsy” and “possible inner ear infection.”

You know, I’ve noticed this a few times, but Bella states the obvious constantly. Edward tells her sucking her blood was scary because he was worried he wouldn’t be able to stop, she’s all “BUT YOU DID STOP.” Yes, I KNOW. I SAW. IT JUST HAPPENED. WHAT IS THIS CONTRIBUTING TO THE STORY?

HAHAHA HOLY SHIT. Edward tells her she should go home with her mom to Florida so he can’t hurt her anymore and she wins the award for MOST STUTTERING EVER, as well as WORST ACTING EVER. Seriously, I am worried about the girl, as I think she may have just had a seizure. But of course, she whines for him to stay and he kind of just broods and looks handsome and they have a tender moment and I don’t care.

SWEEPING MOUNTAIN SCENE. INDICATOR THAT TIME HAS PASSED.

Edward is wearing a suit, sitting awkwardly across the table from Charlie, and Bella comes downstairs in a formal dress, one foot in a cast and the other wearing A CONVERSE SHOE.

I understand obviously needing to wear a cast on her broken leg, but hey, instead of wearing a nice shoe on the other foot that at least tries to salvage how ugly the cast is and compliments the dress, let’s wear an old, beat-up sneaker! It’s like, rebellion, and stuff. Bella’s unconventional, whoo-hoo!

And she’s wearing leggings, which don’t go either.

Edward makes his vomit face and tells her she looks perfect, Charlie makes an appropriate “lolwut” face before telling Bella she looks beautiful with a thousand times more honesty than Edward.

Jacob steps out of the forest for some reason to talk to Bella (lol foreshadowing) and tell her that his dad wants her to break up with Edward. They kind of make a joke out of it and Edward acts like a douchenozzle to him because blah blah rivalry or curse, or hatred, or something, they weren’t clear on that, and in case you haven't guessed, I don't care.

They go to what looks like the shittiest prom ever – is it in someone’s BASEMENT? – and how about that, anyway? Aren’t they both juniors, as are all their friends? Eric looks awesome as usual and is wearing a cool bowler hat, proving that he should have been the star of the movie.

Also, I just noticed Bella is wearing the most hideous old grandmother cardigan. It looks like something she fished out of the bottom of her closet and smells like mothballs.

Bella whines about wanting to be a vampire, and are you joking, she’s sure she wants to be with him FOREVAR AND EVAR already? They have some stupid inconsequential dialogue and he kisses her on the neck instead of biting her, and he asks her if its enough to have a long and happy life with him, and she says “For now.” What does that even mean? I don’t understand if they’re talking about turning her, or not turning her, what’s she satisfied with for now, not being turned? I thought she just whined about it? Oh for fuck’s sake.

The final shot of the movie is the badass chick vampire looking all badass and walking down some stairs like a badass, hinting that she’s out to get Bella omg. Which is depressing because OH FUCK, THERE’S GOING TO BE MORE MOVIES.

This sucks. Kill me now. Why am I not dead yet?

Well, that's it, folks. I saw this turd, you don't have to, and now you get to read through my painful escapade.

TWILIGHT: Part 5

Part 5: I Can’t Think Up Amusing Titles Anymore, Someone Please Destroy Me and Scatter My Ashes to the Winds

So Bella is going to visit Edward’s pretend vampire family now. He feels the need to speed to the car door randomly, and is clearly overcompensating. You know what they say about vampires.

The vampires are cooking for Bella. Making Italian food, to be specific, because Bella might be Italian. Because her name is Bella, lol. No, Cullens, she’s just a Mary Sue whose author literally named her “Beautiful Swan.”

Why hasn’t Meyer been shot yet?

Edward’s “sister”, Rosalie, with the bad blonde dye job, is a pissy bitch who breaks a bowl between her hands (I’m also fairly sure it was pre-cracked and she had to do it herself, for a minute there she actually had to struggle to destroy that fucker) because she finds out Bella already ate and doesn’t want their shitty imitation Italian food (I know these things because I am Italian, but clearly not a real one because my name isn't Bella). Alice SMELLS her and is accompanied by quirky music wherever she walks, because she’s just so WEIRD, right? I actually haven’t seen any evidence of this, she just seems more upbeat than everyone else in Forks, which I suppose makes her a freak who doesn’t break bowls for no reason.

And Jasper is part of that quickly growing circle of people in this movie who actually looks mentally deranged all the fucking time. Seriously, what is WRONG with him? Is he slowly being strangled by his shirt collar? Has he not been to the bathroom in thousands of years? Well, he’s a vampire, so probably not I suppose.

Of course no real reason is given to the fact that the Cullens repeat high school over and over. Robert Pattinson actually mumbles the line, probably because even he thinks it’s so fucking stupid. Some bullshit about getting to start over fresh in different towns. They all look twenty-something years old, why aren’t they out getting awesome jobs or something instead?

This whole high school business is pretty weird. Don’t you need IDs to enrol in high school? Do they have lots of fake birth certificates made for each different high school they attend with a birthdate that makes them the proper age? Do they change names? What happens when they get entered into the school board system? Isn’t some principal going to eventually discover one day that Edward Cullen went to Forks High School in 2005 and North Dakota High School, or what have you, in 1954?

Whatever, I’m shovelling logic aside from here on in.

Of course Edward listens to classical music and dances with Bella to it. Of course he’s a perfect dancer. Not really, actually, as they’re kind of just swaying awkwardly. But classical music is too boring for us hip teens, so let’s go tree-climbing, Edward-style!

Speaking of hip, he calls her “spider monkey.” Oh, okay. That is perfectly believable and in no way something real people don’t ever fucking say. Technically, he more closely resembles a spider monkey, scuttling up trees and what have you. Once they get up a tree, they proceed to stare at each other more, we get a montage of them chatting without actually hearing them (they're probably just trading romantic quips, its not like Bella has any outside interests to discuss), then Bella watches Edward playing piano and looks like she’s about to come.

Blah blah, Charlie on the trail of baddies, blah blah evil vampires, blah blah Mike telling Bella Edward is weird because he looks at her like she’s something to eat (which is kind of true, really). All of these characters and events are far more interesting than Edward and Bella staring at each other for hours, but these two scenes together take up no more than a minute and a half, seriously.

At the diner where Bella meets up for lunch with Charlie, seated right at the front counter is the perpetrator of this fail mountain, fat lolcow Stephenie Meyer lol fat. I thought cameos were supposed to be more understated? The focus of the frame is completely on her as the waitress says “Here’s your veggie plate, Stephenie.” (yeah, I am so sure)

I’m surprised the waitress doesn’t turn around, grin, wink at the camera and give us a thumbs-up. I had no idea Stephenie Meyer was Stan Lee, but there you go.

Stephenie also has a laptop, on which she is probably writing her new self-help book, How to Write a Completely Mundane and Forgettable Romantic Fantasy Series That Millions of Preteen Girls Will Use to Masturbate for the First Time.

Bella blah-blahs with her dad, blah-blahs with her mom on the phone, and then HOLY SHIT EDWARD’S ALL UP IN MAH ROOM.

How can watching someone sleep be fascinating? Unless her nose whistles the tune to “The Devil’s Gone Down to Georgia”.

So Edward gives Bella the longest drawn-out kiss ever, they start making out, and...Edward stops because...why? He’s too close to her and might eat her? Making out with her reminds him of how she smells like strawberries? Getting an erection turns him into a hideous demon? WHAT?

The movie never really specifies why he can’t do normal teen couple stuff like make out. He just says he could “lose control.” I’m assuming it’s all some weird Mormon metaphor for abstinence, which explains why they lie next to each other all night talking instead of Bella riding Edward’s sparkly marble manhood.

What is with all these montage scenes of them talking, anyway? We don't actually hear what they're saying, its just their lips moving and romantic music played over it. This feels so lazy, like the filmmakers knew nobody in the audience would buy their infatuation with each other, so hey, let's throw in some scenes where it looks like they actually have engaging conversation. Based on what I know of the book, however, its mostly Edward telling Bella how dangerous he is and Bella gazing at him adoringly.

Charlie is drinking a beer and loading a gun. And he has a moustache. Audience, we have our Northwestern United States Mascot. I do appreciate how he cocks the gun before telling Bella to “bring’m in.” Oh, of only he had shot on sight.

Great, we’re getting into the baseball scene. You know what, I can’t watch this. It’s got Muse in it. I’ve loved them since I was thirteen years old, and now they’re in Twilight? Stephenie Meyer loves them?

It’s kind of like someone taking your favourite pie and farting all over it.

I’ve decided to put it on mute and watch it, because skipping it would mean I get to miss all this ridiculous bullshit. All the fast-motion and slow-motion and extreme close-ups and WHY are the special effects so terrible? Why is this pointless scene so long? It’s the same fucking shit over and over again. Yes, they’re fast, yes, they’re super strong (but then why don’t the bats break when they hit the ball?), they like to play baseball, I DON’T CARE. And oh shit I tried to unmute it because I saw the bad vampires coming and MUSE ARE STILL PLAYING NOO.

Y’know, watching this on mute is a lot less painful. But here we go, it’s over.

How many shots do we need of the bad guys emerging in slow-motion out of the forest in a cloud of fog? I’ve counted two with the fog, two without, four in total, yes, we get it, they’re evil.

BAD GUYS AND GOOD GUYS TRADING CLOSE-UPS, OSSUM. Or not.

Okay, seriously, stop it. It’s been nonstop extreme close-ups for the last two minutes straight.

Bad guy rightly recognizes Bella is a snack, and wtf, they’re all hissing and crouching menacingly? Do they realize how ridiculous they look? What are they, the Sharks? Why haven’t they started snapping their fingers yet?

Oh jesus, just let James EAT Bella. I’m so tired of her babbling anyway. And now I hate her even more because she’s being a whiny baby and faking out her poor dad. I don’t understand why people bother to have concern for her, she’s obviously a moron. If she dies, natural selection!

Next up, update 6, THANKFULL THE ABSOLUTE LAST ONE. Fast-paced actiony stuff happens that still manages to be really, really boring, and we have our obligatory sappy ending.

TWILIGHT: Part 4

Part 4: In Which This Goes From Bad to Worse and Our Heroes Stare at Each Other For No Real Reason

So Bella FINALLY figures out Edward is a vampire and not Spider Man, because she’s the only person in the universe who doesn’t know the premise of Twilight because she is an idiot. The music gets all uplifting and dramatic and shit, and they go off to walk in the woods.

Because I go walking in the woods with people who want to eat me all the fucking time, right? We all do.

Well, she kind of just randomly up and leaves the schoolyard and Edward follows her. Not a stalker at all. I don’t get the up and leaving, though. It’s all, I NEED TO THINK, I WILL WALK AWAY DRAMATICALLY INTO AN UNINHABITED FOREST NOW. Who does that, really?

So according to Bella, along with having “incredible speed” and “skin that is pale white and ice cold”, Edward’s eye’s change colour and he talks like he’s from a different time. I haven’t seen his eyes change colour yet, but with contacts that cheap it’s hard to tell, and yes, he does speak like he’s from a different time: 1988, if you want to be exact.

And I don’t get this bullshit about not going out in the sunlight. The Cullens don’t go out when it’s BRIGHT sunlight. Clearly, in the daytime, despite it being cloudy, there is enough sun poking through the clouds to make it daylight. Hence the LIGHT part of the phrase. We can still see things clearly when it’s cloudy during the day. The sun has not set, therefore it is still out in the sky. Its power is diminished, but it’s not fucking gone, and Edward should be burning up right now. Well, except he doesn’t burn up, he does something else. Shh, it’s coming soon.

“I know what you are.”

“SAY IT. OUT LOUD. TELL ME BECAUSE I TOTALLY FORGOT AND I LIKE SOUNDING CREEPY.”

“FROG MAN BARFY MCBARF VAMPIRE.”

Now he’s grabbed her, thrown her over his back like an Irish peasant hauling a sack of potatoes, and they’re racing to where it’s sunnier so he can show her his OSSUM DAYLIGHT FORM. Special effects are terrible, look like low-budget 1990’s CGI, probably to skimp on costs, etc etc.

There is one perfect spotlight of sun in a clearing for perfect Edward, and he glitters and sparkles, and it’s retarded, we all know this, but did you know IT HAS A SOUND? IT SOUNDS LIKE WIND CHIMES. SPARKLES DO NOT MAKE A SOUND.

Trust me, I made enough glitter Valentine’s Day cards when I was four years old, I know that sparkles do not make a noise. If anything, it would be the sound of my mother getting pissed at me for spilling glitter all over her new carpet.

And Edward is all, “THIS IS WHAT WE ARE,” and I’m like, “...What, glittery? Dude, no one’s going to know you’re a vampire if they see you glitter, they’ll just think you went to a gay club last night and didn’t shower. Judging by the state of your greasy hair, at least one of those statements is true.”

Edward tells her that he’s so fucking hot (apparently he even SMELLS good, what smells so good it makes people want to automatically fuck him, that cinnamon soap at Lush?) everyone flocks to him and he’s totes a scary killar. Right, Edward, I believe you.

And there’s lots of shots of Edward running about at super speed and jumping and climbing trees with that horrible fast motion blur and generally just acting like a small child with Attention Deficit Disorder and talking about all the badass things he can do. I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care. God, these two have no sexual chemistry. They just lean in towards each other all the time and awkwardly breathe heavily.

What is this “lion falling in love with the lamb” bullshit? Why is it so intriguing that Twilight fans get the thing TATTOOED on them?

Okay, so they’re lying in a meadow, more awkward staring, more breathing on each other, the sun comes out and Edward glitters, more wind chimes, soaring music, blah blah blah, this is sexy why?

More narration, and Bella states how she’s unconditionally, “irrevocably” in love with him (I actually can’t spell that. I had to get the spellchecker to fix it for me). We still haven’t been told why this is, or why Bella felt the need to use an SAT word to describe it. He saved her life twice, and all, but it was because she's a bumbling moron who likes to hang out in busy parking lots with her headphones on and walk through darkened alleys in towns full of drunken frat boys.

Everyone in the town is just flipping their goddamn shit that Bella is going out with Edward, and we’ve got the music all triumphant as Edward holds the car door open for her (of course).

Is there a law that states that every time the movie needs to illustrate the past, it looks like a sepia-toned Charlie Chaplin short? It’s a flashback, we get it. We also get that Dr. Cullen gets insanely turned on by vampirism, judging by all the orgasmic faces he makes every time he turns someone.

It’s kind of funny, too, how Edward says “vegetarians” and “surviving off the blood of animals” in the same sentence, because I was under the impression that actual vegetarianism was the exact fucking opposite.

Edward drives by Jacob’s dad in his car and they trade vomit faces. I don’t know why all the actors confuse rage with nausea constantly.

Jacob’s dad also reveals he is aware wild animals did not kill those random stock characters. He doesn’t say who, exactly, but I suspect it is the cold ones – specifically, the six pack in Charlie’s hands. Alcohol kills, you know.

TWILIGHT: Part 3

In Which Bella Pretends To Have Friends She Cares About And Almost Gets Killed AGAIN, But Does Not Because Edward Saves Her (AGAIN)

So they’re at the beach, and wow, Bella giving someone advice and pretending to give a shit about someone other than Edward. Throwing in scenes like this isn’t going to convince me that she can’t fucking stand all these people.

...All the Natives have long hair. Is this a joke? Are they from the Hilarious and Possibly Offensive Stereotype Indian Reservation?

Well, at least, contrary to the book, Bella doesn’t act like a total slut to get Jacob to tell her supar sekrit knowledge. But still, isn’t it supposed to be a tribal code that he not tell anyone? But whatevs, Bella is hawt so boys will betray their entire way of life for her, and all.

LOL THE FLASHBACK TO OLDEN TIMES. IT IS IN SEPIA. THIS CANNOT GET ANY MORE CLICHED AND RIDICULOUS. OH WAIT, IT CAN, BECAUSE THEIR OUTFITS LOOK RIDICULOUS.

Yet another instance of “more shit we didn’t need to have in the movie.” Jacob is explaining all this, having pretty pictures accompany it is unnecessary and further contributes to my feeling braindead just by watching this.

And here we have another shitty vampire attack scene. They’re all the same. It’s like a minute of buildup, no tension whatsoever because obviously this character is toast, fruitlessly yelling “ANYONE THAR?” and then OMG DEAD, QUICK, CUT AWAY BEFORE WE SEE BLOOD AND GUTS AND COOL STUFF. And the special effects are so terrible. What is this weird jerky fast-motion blur we get when one of the vampires moves really fast? And why are all the other vampires in this movie, even the villains, so much better looking than Edward?

All of the crappy production values and the terrible soundtrack and the washed-out look everything has makes me think of some low-budget horror TV series from the 90’s. Possibly Goosebumps, except much less awesome.

Google-fu time! SUPER CRAZY EXTREME CLOSE UP ON BELLA’S INTARNETS. YAY POINTLESS.

Bella goes dress shopping with friends to the ugliest store I’ve ever seen. It looks like the basement of a Wal-Mart in Arkansas, and the sound quality is so terrible I can hear the echo.

Why is it night by the time Bella gets to the bookstore? She was just at the dress shop. Isn’t Port Angeles a small town? Even if she went to the other side of town, I highly doubt it took her six hours to find the place, buy a book she already knew was there, and leave.

Oh wait, I know why, so we can set up the next scene, in which Bella almost gets surprise sexed by threatening young males. Because she’s walking through a dark alley by herself. Oh, right.

She grew up in a big city and she pulls this shit? How is she not dead yet?

Well, at least she punched one dude. I would have liked to see her Kill Bill her way out of this, but of course Edward and his white horse big sparkly car show up to save the day. He attempts to frighten and intimidate the would-be attackers by making his vomit face.

Which is kind of horrifying. Nobody likes to be barfed on.

Haha, I love the face Edward made when Bella asked him how he knew what the guys were thinking of doing to her. He might as well have said, “I, UH, BECAUSE, UM, I’M A VAM – I MEAN, ITS NOT HARD TO GUESS.”

Dear Robert Pattinson: when I can actually SEE you double-take, please ease up on the over-acting.

EDWARD ANGRY, BARF FACE. Christ, he really is unattractive. In high-shadow he looks somewhat like a pissed-off frog.

So this Bettie Page look-alike brings them food at the restaurant, and HAR HAR EDWARD DOESN’T WANT TO EAT BECAUSE HE’S ON A SPECIAL DIET. Yes, of course. OF DEER AND MOUNTAIN LION BLOOD, LOL.

Okay, Edward actually made a lulzy line. Then Bella ruined it by showing off how she knows the square root of pi. Yes, we know, you’re smart and everyone loves you and you’re perfect, shut up.

Edward reads the Asian guy’s mind and he’s thinking about money. WE ARE LIVING IN STEREOTYPE LAND HERE, DEAR EDWARD. HE IS ASIAN, HE WAS CLEARLY THINKING ABOUT ANIME AND LOGORITHMS. Some fat homely guy is thinking about his cat, and we are supposed to be all DUR HURR HE’S FAT AND HAS NO FRIENDS EXCEPT CATS, WHAT A LOSER, but couldn’t he just be thinking, “My cat ran away, I hope he’s all right!”?

For some reason, Bella is upset that Edward can’t read her mind. Fuck, if I found out the guy I (inexplicably) liked could read my thoughts, I’d go batshit trying to only think good things about the dude all the fucking time. It’s like she’s pissed Edward can’t violate her innermost thoughts, which is understandable, since Bella’s such a helpless 1950’s housewife in the books anyway.

They’re in the car, and OMG WE TOUCHED SLIGHTLY BY ACCIDENT HOW AWKWARD BUT ODDLY ROMANTIC. I wonder how many romance movies they stole this concept from.

But it’s because his HAND IS COLD. Do we need any more hints about Edward being a vampire? Has any member of the audience STILL not clued in yet? Obviously Bella continues to be in the dark. She knows the square root of pi but she doesn’t have the faintest idea that her would-be paramour is of the undead.

So wait, there’s an outbreak of “animal attacks” and Charlie gives Bella...pepper spray?

Look, the only animals that could possibly do as much damage to a human as a vampire is going to be something fucking huge, like a wildcat or a mountain lion or what have you. PEPPER SPRAY is not going to hurt it, unless you spray in the eyes, and Bella is not going to be able to get close to its eyes before it bites her arm off. Who the fuck made Charlie a cop?

Bella sees a pair of lifeless feet and immediately her mind (FACIAL CLOSE-UP LOL DRAMA) flashes back to Edward’s cold dead eyes.

I dunno, she thinks he’s hot, and stuff. She thinks about him all the time. I’m not sure why dead bodies make her think of her beloved, but some people are just fucked up.

Bella Googles “Cold One,” a term she finds in a book of Native American legends. For some reason, she finds ancient drawings (that are actually pretty badass) of a monster instead of a tall, ice cold brew.

Oh my god, and each word she reads that describes Edward, we get a flashback evidencing this. Speed – OMG EDWARD RUNS FAST. Strength – OMG EDWARD’S FIST PLOWING INTO THE VAN. Cold – OMG EDWARD’S HAND IN THE CAR.

WE. JUST. FUCKING. SAW. ALL. THIS. We’re not even an hour into the movie yet, and a lot of that shit happened like twenty minutes ago. The average audience member does not have the memory capacity of a goldfish.

Ugh, fuck this noise. All this babble about cold ones makes me want a beer.

Stay tuned to part four, which, if I understand correctly, will feature the REALLY hilarious shit:

• “Say my name, bitch! I mean, yeah, I’m a vampire.”
• “Let’s stare at each other for hours on end!”
• SUPER SPECIAL VAMPIRE BASEBALL
• And, of course, SPARKLES!

TWILIGHT: Part 2

In the next chapter of this epic tale, nothing happens, nothing happens, Edward looks like he's going to vomit, nothing happens, Bella almost gets smushed, blah blah blah who cares.

Part Two: In Which Bella Almost Dies, Does Not, And I Am Disappointed

Emmet looks like an idiot for standing up in the Jeep, and why is Tyler whipping things at Bella to get her attention? Of course everyone is so excited for her to come over and talk to them, and she’s all UGH, PEOPLE WHO LOVE ME, HOW IRRITATING. Does anyone in the movie act like a real person, or what? Anybody?

“Days pass, and things were getting weird”: Bella is still wearing the long-sleeved turquoise thing from her first day of school. You’d think wardrobe would make sure to mix things up, but judging by the amount of care and money put into this movie, the wardrobe department was probably just a senior manager at The Gap.

Oh, and the hot kids are staring at her, or some shit. I don’t know anymore.

Great, the first hint of some kind of cool vampire action, and it arrives out of nowhere, has little relevance to the story, is about thirty seconds long, scored by terrible electro Musak, and CUTS AWAY AS SOON AS VIOLENCE HAPPENS.

More awkward Bella/Charlie conversations. God, I don’t care about any of this. I seriously have no inclination to watch the rest of this movie aside from snarking it to hell.

You know a movie’s bad when your only reason to keep watching is so you can figure out more ways to make fun of it.

SPARTAAAAAANS!

A new day, same old shit. Guys are hitting on Bella for no real reason, and hey look, Barfy McBarf is back at school. Barfy introduces himself and speaks like a cross between Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man and The Terminator.

Does this golden onion have any relevance to anything?

So Edward (who REALLY sounds like he may have psychological problems and cannot speak normally) and Bella are talking, and I’m writing these, and I just forgot what they said. Something about it raining. And Bella doesn’t like cold. I JUST FORGOT SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED TEN SECONDS AGO, ITS THAT BORING AND INANE AND POINTLESS.

Look, dialogue matters, especially in a romance film in which most of the plot is based around two people who are attracted to each other falling in love. We should be seeing them have conversations full of sparks and subtle innuendo. All I’m getting out of this is Bella doesn’t like cold, wet things (does ANYONE?), Edward speaks like he’s mentally impaired, and they’re both the most boring people on the fucking planet.

Edward’s contacts look like those ones you buy at Halloween stores. RE: nobody spent any fucking money on this movie.

I’m also pretty sure Kristen Stewart thinks that acting like a troubled teen means taking a lot of breaths in between words and hesitating a lot. It’s getting fairly annoying.

Yay, the van scene! Wait, that was...boring. Cut to Bella, cut to van, cut to Bella, cut to Edward smooshing van, the end. Lame. Of COURSE more time is being spent on Edward and Bella staring at each other.

We get to the hospital, and everyone is only mildly emoting. Bella was almost killed, and she sounds bored as usual, but Tyler sounds mildly repentant, Charlie sounds mildly pissed, and HAHAHA OH MY GOD DR. CULLEN. HE LOOKS LIKE A COLGATE COMMERCIAL.

He has the worst dye job out of all of the Cullens and I’m surprised his teeth don’t sparkle.

I feel so bad for Tyler. It’s not like the poor kid was driving drunk in bright daylight.

Here comes Edward’s patented “you silly women are so silly!” bullshit. Yay for patronizing! And fuck, I am so TIRED of Kristen Stewart always STUTTERING. I haven’t read the books – does Bella have a speech impediment?

Oh god, he is actually a terrifying stalker. And her boobs are all heaving and he looks like he’s about to jizz in his pants, and...oh god, this is so uncomfortable and wrong HOW IS THIS ROMANTIC I DON’T GET IT.

Now that Bella’s flashbacking to Edward saving her, did anyone else notice the trunk was pretty obviously pre-dented?

Edward is PEDOSMIRKING at her, oh dear lord. All while she talks to poor, clueless Mike, who hasn’t done a single thing wrong but who she treats as though he’s something gross under her shoe. If it wasn’t for the fact that his name is Mike (which is a problematic name for me for various reasons and would probably cause me emotional issues), I would so go out with him. I have personality and do not look constantly stoned.

BEHOLD, I AM EDWARD, I KNOW WHAT GOOGLE IS AND HAVE MIGHTY PRODUCT PLACEMENT POWERS.

Wait, Bella’s saying Edward regrets saving her from a speeding van? That came right out of the fucking blue. He hasn’t dropped any hints suggesting such. How did she manage to glean that information, using her exemplary intuition? Reading it from Edward’s face? He looks constipated and/or nauseated most of the time, so what gives?

I know Catherine Hardwick directed this, and she’s all OMG MEN SUCK WIMMEN HAVE IT SO HARD, but I don’t think it’s necessary to make all of the seventeen year old boys in this school act like monkeys on steroids. I mean, sure, they are immature at times, but give them a break. Having then prance about and chase each other and throw things and make ridiculous hand gestures is so fucking dumb.

ZOMG LOOK EDWARD IS HOLDING APPLE IT LOOKS LIKE BOOK COVER OMG EASTER EGG EASTER EGG.

Bella is considering “radioactive spiders and Kryptonite” as the reasons why Edward could dent a car. She either has an overactive imagination or reads too many comic books, but I highly doubt it’s either, because that would make her actually cool (and doesn’t Kryptonite defeat Superman? If Edward is “superman”, why the fuck would Kryptonite be a source of his magical car-crushing abilities?).

I’m not gonna lie, if some guy pushed me out of the way of an accident and dented a car in the process, my first reaction would be, “Whoa, do you work out a lot?” Not, “HOLY FUCK, YOU’RE A SUPERHERO, LET ME BE YOUR MARY JANE.”

TWILIGHT: Part 1

Part 1: “I’d like to take a minute so just sit right there/and I’ll tell you about how a whiny bitch moved to a town called Bellair Forks”

(Twilight is TWO HOURS long? Is that really necessary? Whether I ever get the next two hours of my life back remains to be seen)

Of course the movie begins with narration. I shit you not, I literally sat here thinking “I bet Twilight is so cliché and lame, the movie begins with Bella narrating.” I am so proud of myself right now.

Fucking sparklepires, leave the cute deer alone. Then again, it looks like Edward just gave it a giant bear hug, so whatever. I LUBB YOUUU BUT WANT TO EAT YOUUU. Which is actually what this entire movie is about, really.

And here’s our protagonist, standing in the desert, holding...a shovel and a fucking cactus, in front of more cacti? Seriously? As if we didn’t believe she was from Pheonix, here’s some gratuitous images of stereotypical desert shit while Kristen Stewart makes an orgasm face. Is she turned on by cacti? Is that why she hates Forks so much, because the lack of cacti makes her sexually frustrated?

Here’s some more typical “telling then showing.” I LIVE IN PHEONIX, HERE ARE SOME CACTUS. MY MOM AND STEP DAD WANT TO GO ON THE ROAD, SO NOW WE ARE DRIVING.” Does any of this really need narration? It implies that we’re too fucking stupid to understand a girl in a desert, getting in a car, driving past a desert, getting on a plane, and ending up in her dad’s house in a more rural area without someone explaining every step to us.

I was just starting to enjoy the landscape shots and now they’re over already. I guess we’re skimping on lovely desert and forest images so we can save minutes devoted to Edward’s face.

Charlie has a fantastic moustache.

God this movie is so fucking obvious. Way to show us that Charlie hasn’t seen Bella in awhile by talking about her hair growing. BECAUSE HE HASN’T SEEN HER SINCE. OMG DID YOU GET IT? THEY AREN’T CLOSE BECAUSE THEY DON’T SEE EACH OTHER OFTEN. ARE YOU SURE YOU GET IT NOW? WANT ME TO PLAY IT BACK? And if that isn’t enough, out pops the narration to tell us “it’s been years.”

I AM THREE MINUTES AND ELEVEN SECONDS INTO THIS MOVIE AND I ALREADY FEEL LIKE I’VE LOST IQ POINTS.

Now this is making me kind of mad. She hasn’t seen her father in years, he made an effort to fix up her room and everything, and looks so awkward but tries anyway, tells his best friend how excited he is that she’s here, and Bella’s glad he doesn’t hover and leaves instead? Wouldn’t she, y’know, make an effort to engage in some sort of discussion?

Perhaps she wants some alone time with the cactus.

And why does Jacob, who is a werewolf, have vampire teeth, and Edward, who actually is a vampire, does not?

Oh look, she’s showing what appears to be genuine excitement at the truck! (Wait, isn’t she supposed to hate the truck?)

I AM SO TIRED OF THIS NARRATION. WE KNOW SHE IS AT A NEW SCHOOL. STOP TELLING US THINGS THAT NEED ABSOLUTELY NO EXPLANATION.

I am still horribly confused by why a new kid would be a feature in the school paper. What do they even know about her? She just got there, and she has no hobbies or interests other than looking blasé and obsessing over Edward. Do people just generally go batshit insane in small towns when new people show up? I live in Toronto. There are two and a half million people here. Someone from a small town, please enlighten me: would you give a shit?

Okay, now this conversation in gym is so difficult to watch. Actually, all of these conversations are difficult to watch. Who wrote this movie, and why do they think that typical teenage girls actually speak like characters in Clueless? I am also not offered any explanation as to why Mike has a boner for Bella. She makes shitty jokes and is socially awkward, is kind of rude, and she just smacked him in the back of the head. She’s pretty, but she’s not “forget-all-her-faults-in-the-hopes-of-fucking-her” pretty. Correct me if I’m wrong, but in the average high school, you could look like Megan Fox, but if you act like a sad, pathetic, socially retarded goth kid, no one will want to date you.

I’m also pretty sure Eric is gay, but if he isn’t, he’s so cute and upbeat and has a fantastic sense of style. Why the fuck would he want to date someone who was his total opposite?

Because really, what the fuck is she WEARING? A scrub top?

This entire thing just feels like Stephenie Meyer’s masturbation fantasy (“every boy in love with me at once!”), or at least what she wishes high school was like: do absolutely nothing, and everyone will love you.

OH HAY IT’S THE CULLENS. Why would such attractive people have such terrible dye jobs? I also love how Jessica calls Alice “weird” for what appears to be nothing more than being gorgeous, having awesome clothes and twirling, yet she’s sitting across a table from The Queen of the Night People who wears scrubs (a baseball uniform? wut) and stares at her lap when she speaks.

And the music SWELLS when we see Edward, whose eyebrows are a different colour than his hair and who I personally think is much less attractive than the rest of his foster siblings. This isn’t bias talking. Dude’s got a weirdly shaped head.

HAHA I CAN’T BELIEVE THE FACE HE MADE WHEN HE SMELLED BELLA. OH MY GOD. Has anyone ever taught Robert Pattinson the art of subtly? Look vaguely displeased, confused, shocked, whatever, but try to avoid looking like you are going to vomit.

Seriously, he looks like me that one time I ate McDonalds because it was the only thing open at midnight, and then went clubbing and had three vodka cranberries and threw up at four in the morning.

I am laughing so hard here, I can’t take this. He’s STARING at her, and not even pretending to disguise it. What does the teacher think when he sees this? I don’t know about you, but when I smell something offputting or questionable, I do not sit and stare at it intently.

Even the ADULTS are obsessed with Bella. At least that’s sort of understandable, since they love Charlie and love her by proxy.

Wait, why is she so pissy about everyone at her school liking her? Her poor mother probably thinks that everyone is treating her like a social pariah (which she is, but whatever).

This makes absolutely no sense. My god I’m confused.

TWILIGHT: Prologue

Alright, I’ve done it. I’ve downloaded Twilight (I’m not going to PAY for this shit, are you kidding me?). It’s sitting on my hard drive right now, mocking me. Meanwhile, my hard drive is begging me to DELETE, DELETE, WIPE THIS STAIN AND MAKE ME PURE AGAIN OH PLEASE JESUS. Soon enough, my sweet, soon enough.

Since I noticed a lot of people just snark the entirety of this epic shitstain of a series, I decided to focus on primarily why it’s so fucking bad as a film. We all know the plot is as thin as a piece of economy-brand toilet paper and the dialogue consists mainly of “ILU, UR PRETTY” “OMG BUT I’M DANGEROUS” repeated over and over again. Of course I will take the piss out of these elements as much as possible, as well as lol over how awful the special effects are and how no-one in the entire movie can act their way out of a kindergarten production of Cinderalla.

I love crappy movies. I revel in their awfulness and there is nothing quite like mocking and scrutinizing fail, especially when an enormous group of individuals inexplicably adore this fail. The Twilight series is probably the absolute nadir of this decade, the pinnacle of all the crap we’ve had to put up with as of late. It’s kind of like what sequins and Day-Glo and shoulder pads were to the 1980’s.

All on its own, it’s set the women’s movement back a generation or two, turned perfectly sane teenage girls into squealing, obnoxious monsters, ruined Robert Pattinson’s life, convinced readers that raping a thesaurus made for excellent literature, and just generally sucked. It’s manipulative garbage, like Hitler. Maybe Twilight is Mein Kampf reincarnated for the new generation, minus all the racial superiority propaganda and what have you.

I am kidding, of course, but fuck, it’s bad. And the movie’s not any better.

Prepare yourselves, because I, your humble film student, am going to brave the murky, blue-tinted waters of the world of Twilight: The Movie. I may drown, but god help me, I’m not going under without a fight.