Part 1: “I’d like to take a minute so just sit right there/and I’ll tell you about how a whiny bitch moved to a town called Bellair Forks”
And here’s our protagonist, standing in the desert, holding...a shovel and a fucking cactus, in front of more cacti? Seriously? As if we didn’t believe she was from Pheonix, here’s some gratuitous images of stereotypical desert shit while Kristen Stewart makes an orgasm face. Is she turned on by cacti? Is that why she hates Forks so much, because the lack of cacti makes her sexually frustrated?
Here’s some more typical “telling then showing.” I LIVE IN PHEONIX, HERE ARE SOME CACTUS. MY MOM AND STEP DAD WANT TO GO ON THE ROAD, SO NOW WE ARE DRIVING.” Does any of this really need narration? It implies that we’re too fucking stupid to understand a girl in a desert, getting in a car, driving past a desert, getting on a plane, and ending up in her dad’s house in a more rural area without someone explaining every step to us.
I was just starting to enjoy the landscape shots and now they’re over already. I guess we’re skimping on lovely desert and forest images so we can save minutes devoted to Edward’s face.
Charlie has a fantastic moustache.
God this movie is so fucking obvious. Way to show us that Charlie hasn’t seen Bella in awhile by talking about her hair growing. BECAUSE HE HASN’T SEEN HER SINCE. OMG DID YOU GET IT? THEY AREN’T CLOSE BECAUSE THEY DON’T SEE EACH OTHER OFTEN. ARE YOU SURE YOU GET IT NOW? WANT ME TO PLAY IT BACK? And if that isn’t enough, out pops the narration to tell us “it’s been years.”
I AM THREE MINUTES AND ELEVEN SECONDS INTO THIS MOVIE AND I ALREADY FEEL LIKE I’VE LOST IQ POINTS.
Now this is making me kind of mad. She hasn’t seen her father in years, he made an effort to fix up her room and everything, and looks so awkward but tries anyway, tells his best friend how excited he is that she’s here, and Bella’s glad he doesn’t hover and leaves instead? Wouldn’t she, y’know, make an effort to engage in some sort of discussion?
Perhaps she wants some alone time with the cactus.
And why does Jacob, who is a werewolf, have vampire teeth, and Edward, who actually is a vampire, does not?
Oh look, she’s showing what appears to be genuine excitement at the truck! (Wait, isn’t she supposed to hate the truck?)
I am still horribly confused by why a new kid would be a feature in the school paper. What do they even know about her? She just got there, and she has no hobbies or interests other than looking blasé and obsessing over Edward. Do people just generally go batshit insane in small towns when new people show up? I live in Toronto. There are two and a half million people here. Someone from a small town, please enlighten me: would you give a shit?
Okay, now this conversation in gym is so difficult to watch. Actually, all of these conversations are difficult to watch. Who wrote this movie, and why do they think that typical teenage girls actually speak like characters in Clueless? I am also not offered any explanation as to why Mike has a boner for Bella. She makes shitty jokes and is socially awkward, is kind of rude, and she just smacked him in the back of the head. She’s pretty, but she’s not “forget-all-her-faults-in-the-hopes-of-fucking-her” pretty. Correct me if I’m wrong, but in the average high school, you could look like Megan Fox, but if you act like a sad, pathetic, socially retarded goth kid, no one will want to date you.
I’m also pretty sure Eric is gay, but if he isn’t, he’s so cute and upbeat and has a fantastic sense of style. Why the fuck would he want to date someone who was his total opposite?
Because really, what the fuck is she WEARING? A scrub top?
This entire thing just feels like Stephenie Meyer’s masturbation fantasy (“every boy in love with me at once!”), or at least what she wishes high school was like: do absolutely nothing, and everyone will love you.
OH HAY IT’S THE CULLENS. Why would such attractive people have such terrible dye jobs? I also love how Jessica calls Alice “weird” for what appears to be nothing more than being gorgeous, having awesome clothes and twirling, yet she’s sitting across a table from The Queen of the Night People who wears scrubs (a baseball uniform? wut) and stares at her lap when she speaks.
And the music SWELLS when we see Edward, whose eyebrows are a different colour than his hair and who I personally think is much less attractive than the rest of his foster siblings. This isn’t bias talking. Dude’s got a weirdly shaped head.
HAHA I CAN’T BELIEVE THE FACE HE MADE WHEN HE SMELLED BELLA. OH MY GOD. Has anyone ever taught Robert Pattinson the art of subtly? Look vaguely displeased, confused, shocked, whatever, but try to avoid looking like you are going to vomit.
Seriously, he looks like me that one time I ate McDonalds because it was the only thing open at midnight, and then went clubbing and had three vodka cranberries and threw up at four in the morning.
I am laughing so hard here, I can’t take this. He’s STARING at her, and not even pretending to disguise it. What does the teacher think when he sees this? I don’t know about you, but when I smell something offputting or questionable, I do not sit and stare at it intently.
Even the ADULTS are obsessed with Bella. At least that’s sort of understandable, since they love Charlie and love her by proxy.
Wait, why is she so pissy about everyone at her school liking her? Her poor mother probably thinks that everyone is treating her like a social pariah (which she is, but whatever).
No comments:
Post a Comment